Not fair

This blog is turning into a bit of a pitty party for me.

I know I really want a baby. I really want to be a mom. We wouldn’t have tried and gone through all the emotional rollercoaster that entailed if this wasn’t what I wanted.

But seriously, today I just feel like screaming, “It’s not fair!”

Why is it that some people just get pregnant without even thinking about it and have these normal perfect pregnancies. Pregnancies that make them want to have multiple children.

Honestly, I don’t know if I could ever go through this again.

Friday afternoon we went back to the doctor. I was fine Thursday night and Friday morning, but about 11 a.m. I started barfing again. I barfed four times until 2:30 when Stephen came home and got me.

So the doctor says that I should just take advantage of the window from the Zofran where I don’t feel like barfing and try to get as much liquids or foods in as I can. The problem is that you take the Zofran every 12 hours. So with only a few hour window that leaves me feeling miserable the rest of the day.

Yesterday I only allowed myself to dry heave once. I’m so sick of barfing. I still felt so incredibly nauseous most of the day.

And even though I’m not barfing, the nausea makes it difficult to even fathom putting stuff into my body. Nothing sounds good. I’m starting to get really sick of gatorade too. I constantly have this sour aftertaste from it in my mouth.

I was able to eat a toasted turkey and cheese half sandwich last night after the Zofran. I feel really hungry, but so sick to my stomach at the same time.

So that’s how things are going on the nausea front. Another “poor me, I’m miserable” entry.

I’m dropping out of school and after this week work will be over too. If I can even make it in to work.

Stephen and I decided that I just need to be home. He talked to his boss and they’re going to try and work something out so he can do a different position or have more responsibilities and make enough so I don’t have to work.

That will be nice. So while I’m a little bummed to not do school, there really isn’t any point if I’m just going to be at home. Which is what I want more than anything.

I decided to do this program because I pretty much had given up hope of us having kids. The clinical definition cuts off at a year for infertility. The funny part is that when I was doing all my paperwork and signing up for classes I was already a couple weeks pregnant. I just didn’t know it.

I’m looking forward to not feeling nauseous and being about to get our house really clean, finish up projects I’ve been meaning to do, cooking again and lots of other stuff.

So much for my feminist side…

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