13 weeks 3 days

Well I had a nice little break and now I’m back to feeling crappy. It started at about 3 pm yesterday.

I didn’t actually throw up until a few minutes ago, but I feel and have felt really, really nauseaus.

Everyone keeps telling me that any day now I’ll just feel better. First it was 8 weeks, then it was at 10 weeks, then 12 and now the benchmark has been moved to 14 weeks. So I’m not exactly holding my breath on this possibility just now.

Sometimes it is almost worse feeling better for a few days because of the let down that occurs when I start feeling crappy again.

I can put this in perspective to a certain extent. The other day I was just thinking that this is worth it. That I can do this. It will be worth it to finally have the baby that I’ve wanted for so long. I think my last ultrasound really helped with that. Seeing the baby look more like a baby and actually move and stuff.

There are times though when I just can’t. When it seems so overwhelming and I don’t know how I can possibly last another day. No matter how many other moms tell me that it will be worth it, it just doesn’t seem that way.

I want to be the better version of this. The version that isn’t selfish and is willing to sacrifice for the good of the baby.

That just sounds completely crazy to the other side of myself that can’t stand to throw up one more time or feel nauseaus one more minute. Why would any sane person put themself through this?

There are plenty of other ways to become a mother that don’t involve this kind of physical misery. Then again I’m sure that those other ways have their own trials and tribulations of the emotional kind at the very least.

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