Freaked out

I recently read The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth and I’m currently reading Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I already knew before reading these books that I did not want to have an epidural or any other drugs. But now I’m completely afraid of even having my baby in a hospital. I’m freaked out about having drugs administered to me that I don’t want and having an c-section or episiotomy when I don’t want that either.

I thought I really liked my OB. He’s really nice and professional. Has a great bedside manner. He answers all my questions, even the ones that seem dumb. He takes his time with me. I don’t feel like I’m being rushed in and out like cattle when I’m in his office. He has aggressively treated my HG and gestational hyperthyroidism, which I know a lot of doctors don’t do at all (some of the stories on the HG board I’m on make me want to strangle their inept doctors myself!). He answers all of Stephen’s questions too and always makes him feel welcome in the room.

However, saying all that I realized from reading these books that I really don’t know anything important about my doctor. I don’t know his c-section or episiotomy rate. He also just joined up with this huge OB group and I don’t know what the group’s stats are either. I’ve also already had some red flags from the receptionists there that don’t handle things well. Depending on when I go into labor he might not even be the doctor at my birth. At my last appointment I even heard a really bad story about one of the group’s other doctors and her treatment of a patient which led that patient to come to my doctor. I don’t want to wind up with that other awful doctor attending to my birth.

So now I’m feeling totally unprepared. What if his rates are high? What if the group’s rates are high? What am I going to do then? Our insurance only contracts with this specific OB group. When Ruth was here a couple months ago we tried to find someone that did The Bradley Method and a doula and there is no one listed for our city. I know there are midwives because I can specifically think of two acquaintances that did a homebirth with a midwife. But how much does that even cost?

How do I even begin to convince Stephen that if those rates are high that we need to make a major change when he completely trusts medicine to the fullest and even works for the company that manages our health insurance? I just spilled my fears out ten minutes ago and he was like, “Well you need to ask those questions and then just trust the doctor and his staff that they are going to do the best thing for you. You shouldn’t be reading these biased books and getting all worked up.”

Ugh! I don’t know what to do. I just know that I really don’t want to a needle to go anywhere near my spine and into my central nervous system. I know that I am terrified of feeling numb. I know that I do not want to be given a drug to intensify labor just for the convenience of the doctors not having to deal with a longer labor. And I definitely know I do not want to have a c-section. It seems like the common story from people that I’ve talked to about my wishes is also that you shouldn’t even have a specific list of things in your birth plan because you can’t plan birth and it won’t wind up going your way. It makes the whole thing feel like this hopeless wall that I’m up against and there is no way around it. You go into labor, they give you Pit, labor hurts to bad so you agree to an epidural, that slows your labor down so then they get worried about the baby and you have a c-section. And birth plan? Who said anything about a birth plan? You just need to do what the doctors say because they know best despite any evidence to the contrary.

I probably sound like a raving lunatic to most of you right now, but I just don’t care. I don’t like this feeling of helplessness and I just had to get it all out.

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