Honestly…

This is what is going through my mind about 300 times per minute. Probably isn’t the healthiest set of thoughts to be going through my mind, but I just want to get it all out there…

My body is a failure. An absolute failure. I am a woman. My body is supposed to be designed for pregnancy and birth. Well, my body has sucked at it. So why should going into labor or birthing be any different? What did I honestly expect?

I’m never going to go into labor on my own. I will wind up having to be induced and pumped full of drugs and while we’re at it why don’t I just lay down in the OR and let them fillet me like a fish now. Let’s just get it over with.

I shouldn’t be worrying about this.

The birth, no matter how it goes, isn’t the most important part. The healthy baby is.

It’s not fair. I really want my home birth.

I don’t want to call my OB tomorrow. Why didn’t I just go to my last appoinment two weeks ago? NSTs are really not that bad or that big of a deal. I was sitting at home bored anyway. It would have helped pass the time. Then this wouldn’t be all awkward. If he tried to pressure me into an induction I could have just refused. I really don’t want to call my OB tomorrow.

Please let that cramp turn into something.

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