Yes, as you have all pointed out, “Children are a blessing from the Lord.” I know this. And in many, many ways I am very excited about this whole thing. I would say that overall that is my general feeling.
However, I do have many fears and worries as well. I think anyone in my situation would.
-I’m only 6 weeks along. I could still get sick. I am worried about what might happen if I get really sick like I did last time and I am unable to breastfeed Bean anymore. I know formula isn’t a big deal for most people, but it is for me. I do not want to wean Bean early. I’m also worried about getting that sick and just being able to care for her in general.
-If I get so sick I have to miss a couple big family vacations and my sister’s wedding, I am going to be pretty depressed.
-The fact that my symptoms are very minimal so far also worries me. Everyone I’ve ever talked to about miscarriage has said that the pregnancies where they miscarried they didn’t have hardly any symptoms. However, it isn’t like I have no symptoms, they are just a lot easier to deal with. I still have been having a sour stomach, mostly at night. I have not thrown up yet though. So while I’m happy to not be throwing up several times a day every single day, I’m also worried about what this might mean.
-January 2010 I will have TWO babies requiring all my attention. That just seems insane to me, especially as I feel overwhelmed by one baby a lot of days.
-We need a new car. Right now Bean’s seat is in the middle of our backseat because that’s really the only way it fits. It doesn’t fit behind either of the passenger seats. I’m pretty sure two seats will not work back there because of this. Furthermore, I’m going to have to start toting a double stroller around now and well that would take up my whole entire trunk I’m sure. How am I going to get groceries?
-Which brings me to another quandry. How am I going to do simple errands like groceries with TWO babies? How am I going to do anything? Our house is going to be a wreck at least for the next two years. I’m sure of it.
-It makes me sad to think I won’t be able to pick up and hold Bean towards the end of my pregnancy.
-How am I going to cloth diaper two babies? I know most of you are probably thinking, “Oh, it isn’t a big deal, just use disposables.” But it is a big deal to me. For one thing Bean gets terrible, terrible diaper rash with disposables. This week our dryer was out of commission for a few days and I had to use them. After the first disposable her bottom was bright red and all broken out. I felt so, so bad for her. She kept scratching at her diaper and anytime she went she got super fussy I think because it probably burned. Plus I really take seriously God’s charge to us to be good stewards of the earth. It really bothers me to do things that I know I can do in a better way that is not bad for the planet. But I am going to have to fit in crazy amounts of laundry for this to work. The thought of that overwhelms me.
-I really need a rocking chair. Badly. Stephen doesn’t believe me. He thinks this isn’t a big deal. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise.
So anyway those are some of the things that caused all the crying on Friday.