A few weeks ago Stephen said, “Somewhere along the way you stopped freaking out and decided that you are going to do this, be a mom, and you are going to do it right.”
Not that there is a “right” way to do motherhood. Not that if you don’t do everything exactly like me, you are doing it “wrong.” I think life becomes so much easier when we stop being such hard-asses and realize that for quite a lot of things in life there are many “right” ways to do something. It’s been a slightly painful lesson for me to come to terms with, wrought with hurt feelings and what seem to me now as silly offenses and hills not worth dying on.
I knew what he meant. Somewhere along the way I decided to stop living in regret. I stopped looking for journalism jobs online, researching midwifery and law schools on the tough days. I decided to accept that this is my life and it is full and I’m no less of a person just because I didn’t pursue every avenue of interest and schooling.
I decided that this truly is a noble calling, worthy of my energy and efforts. That throwing a tantrum about my lot in life that would rival one of my (almost) three-year-old’s, wasn’t going to get me anywhere and was more wasteful than anything.
I chose this life. So why live in regret, thinking about the what-ifs of what might have happened if I had chosen another path?
Why let myself feel inferior to the friends that were some of the academic elite growing up and are now working professionals in medicine, non-profits, journalism, education, and law? I did that. I got the bylines, the plastic awards. I did that and was never satisfied like I am now. Never felt or saw the direct influence and difference of my work like I do now.
These guys, they grow so fast. They deserve a mother fully engaged in their lives. They deserve to be loved and nurtured and cherished with my all.
I am told that 18 years goes by faster than you think possible when you are a parent. I don’t want this all to be some blurry fog that I “survived” just barely. So here’s to living life fully, to giving it my all.