On greener pastures.

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So much of my life is ruled by the Western mindset.

We have a house we still own and are considering moving back into after our apartment lease is up. We’ve talked about putting the baby in our walk-in closet because it is just that huge and each kid having their own room for the time being would make things like bedtime so much easier.

When I think about that house, though, after living in much smaller apartments for the last 3.5 years, it just seems like too much. Too much space, too much kitchen, too much everything. I don’t even know what I will do with myself if we move back in.

Then part of me wants something else entirely. A place where I can have chickens. Outside space far from neighbors.

And part of me is happy right where we are at. We don’t need more. More feels too extravagant. We don’t deserve it. Lots of people have a lot less. Further, I like being right in the center of things. I like my husband coming home for lunch every day. Our favorite grocery store is just up the street. On the flip side of that coin, I don’t want to get trapped in the mindset that “the other section of town” is just “so far” away. I just spent the last three years traveling between 8 different cities on a regular basis for everything from midwives to preschool and shopping. It really isn’t that big of a deal to drive across town.

A trip to the park leaves me scouring the real estate ads, always wanting something else. Greener pastures. Pastures in general would be nice.

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I feel like I am constantly learning that life has so many unintended consequences and paths. It is a hard lesson. I could never have imagined the turns our lives have taken these past few months one year ago.

In some ways, I feel like we are right where we should be. There are so many things about this place that I missed, so many people. It is really nice being in a familiar place again where I don’t feel like a stranger all the time. Where friendly people greet me as they walk by in the park and faces of friends and acquaintances greet me at the grocery store or Target.

People keep asking me how I am and how I like being back. I never really know what to say. My whole insides feel like this jumble of emotions that I can’t seem to make sense of.

There is still this emotional detox happening to me. What just happened? Was what we did the “right” thing to do? Will life ever be the same? Why are we here again? Where are we going? What is next?

These are some of the questions that haunt me constantly. I know much of it is a waiting game and will sort itself out in time.

I am privileged to even get to ponder such philosophic nonsense. How ridiculous of me. God grant me grace and mercy.

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