I used to say that until I was blue in the face to my most persnickety contributors who would tout their literary awards whenever I moved a comma. I would point out to them that my award-winning writing went out to the public sphere after it was proofed by two copy editors and my managing editor. It always looked very different from notebook to polished print edition. Somewhere along the line I forgot that important tidbit.
I have to write. I just have to. Even if it means not saying everything that comes to mind. We all need to self censor — of this I’m sure.
I seem to have problems with this though, so a solution has been presented to me. My husband has offered to edit and help me censor my posts prior to publishing them. He’s a pretty level headed guy and a very straightforward written communicator. He’s offered to discuss my ideas with me and help me craft and write them in a way that doesn’t offend everyone I know until I have no friends left.
The free-speech-pounded-into-my-head-journalist part of me completely bristles at this idea. The remorseful-friend-and-family-member (due to my recent writings) side of me thinks this is probably the perfect solution.
Anyhow, I’ve definitely been thinking a lot lately about how others perceive me and how I express myself in writing. I know I tend to come off as a bit fanatical about stuff that I’m into and I tend to make it seem like everyone else is wrong.
That is not how I want to be or be perceived. I think if you talked to me about any number of subjects in real life, face to face, you would think of me in a completely different way.
So the problem comes in bridging the gap between the person I really am and the person that people think me to be when they read this blog.
Part of the reason why I communicate the way that I do is because of the way I was taught to communicate when growing up. There was quite a bit of emotional communication that went on. In order to be heard in this family you had to yell, create a solid case, or leave a note.
As such, my communication style is like this: I am passive aggressive in that I tend to deal with problems or thoughts via writing rather than face to face confrontation, but I also may tend to force my ideas on other people with a solid case and proving the point often becomes more important to me than what the other person is feeling. I tend to be rash and write my first thoughts and I tend to be emotional.
Last night when making the offer, my husband said that the better thing for me to do would not be to shut the blog down completely, but through our discussions learn to communicate in a better way that is more effective and positive. I think he is probably right.
In any case, in some ways I feel like I need a bit of a break from blogging in general. I need to take a step back and figure out what I want this space to look and feel like to my readers, some of whom I know very well and others I hardly know at all except through their blogs.
But in other ways, I feel like I have a million ideas that I want to talk about already since yesterday’s shut-down.
So, I don’t know when my next post will be at this point, but please stick with me just a little longer.
And finally, to those of you who I have hurt or made to feel like you are a bad parent, person or whatever, please accept my deepest apologies. I never really meant to make anyone feel that just because they are doing something different than me that they are wrong or bad. I am sorry.